greenbeandean ([info]greenbeandean) wrote,
@ 2006-02-02 19:40:00
Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Share this!  Next Entry
Current mood: confused

Yeah I have lots of homework. Not really, but it feels like it. I haven't done any of it because I'm stupid...yeah.

I'm just so tired of things always being the same, but then when someone asks me to do something different, either because I can't...like I already have plans, or my mom said no or something...Or because I don't think I'll be able too. Like I don't want to do anything to change. I can't make myself. I know I should. But I just feel like I can't. I hate that feeling. I'm just watching myself being stupid, but still not changing.

All at the same time I just want everything to be different. Completely. I don't want to make all the decisions to the stupid things like what I do on Friday. I want to make the decisions that are important and will affect me. I want to try new things, be a...healthier person I guess...and care more about things that actually matter. In the beginning of tenth grade I was doing great. I was a great student. I felt good about myself. Now things should be good, better even, but I can't seem to be happy.

The other day my mom was talking to me and she said "Remember, don't spend all your time with Alec like your sister does with her boyfriends. Have other friends too." I know what she means. It might sound like a mean comment, but I definintely noticed every time my sister dropped all of her friends for a boy. I always told myself I wouldn't do that, but I guess I have. But, I can't help it. I love spending time with him. I'm always so happy when I get to...:) Still, I've always had many friends, and I've never had to worry about someone like that. Of course I always cared, but now its different.

I think a great way to relieve stress would be to have some sort of party with all of my girlfriends. We can just relax and have fun. Maybe not everyone, because there are some major enemies in my group of friends, but the people that I love the most. Whether it's been 6 months since I've talked to them, or just 6 hours...I want people there that I know I can trust and get along with.

I'm getting kind of ahead of myself here. I know this won't happen...but maybe just planning it will help me relax.

I do love planning parties....


(2 comments) - (Post a new comment)


[info]caiyo
2006-02-03 02:06 am UTC (link)
Have your party.

For real.

Turn your phone off and have a girl's night. I'll even let someone paint my nails. Just for you.

Stock up on ice cream and we'll pig out and giggle.

Yes, giggle.

Some nights you just need to say 'Fuck it' and have some good ole fashioned girl fun.

Invite whoever you want. If you invite people who have a major vendetta against each other, leave them to me. Have your fun, because you deserve it. If there's anything beside your fun to worry over, just tell me, I'll take care of it.

Don't go in thinking it won't happen, because then it really won't. Don't you think it'd be worth it?

And I'm sorry, even if it makes you feel worried about him getting mad, I can't stand being around you AND Alec all the time. Seeing you two together is the sweetest thing most of the time, but sometimes you guys go off and do that 'own little world thing' and I just wanna be like 'Hey, yeah, still here. Please, don't leave me behind all alone.'

You go out, but your individuals too. You haven't molded together at the hip bone, yet (That was an insanely funny mental image, by the way, especially with you like hanging off the ground because of height differences xD). Sometimes I just want to hang out with you and do all that silly girl stuff and laugh. You know, do that usual friends that are girls thing.

As for changes...

Well...

I guess I'll just tell you what I tell myself:

Get to it or get the fuck over it.

Complaining won't do anything. Nothing. I know. I spent a year of my life complaining and brooding and thirsting for change.

And you know what?

It was a complete waste of my time.

Had I any true resolve I'd go out there and do it. I'd ask Jess to give me a ride to Racine, pitch a tent in the park, and make some living as a hobo.

But I have to come to terms that I don't have that resolve.

What I do have is a good few friends down here that manage to keep me sane when I probably would have had a mental break down by now. Maybe even a suicide attempt.

Sure, I could make my changes still. But in the end, why should I? If this is where I am I'm not going to run away just because it would be easier for me to. I'm sticking it out.

I'm not going to lie to you. I can't stand to be in existence some days. I look around me and think Wow, I wish I could just fade into nothingness. Cease to live.

But that, that's the easy way. It's not the right way.

Don't sit here and complain about not being able to make something happen. It's not going to fall into your lap just because you want it to. No matter how much you think about it or dream about it, only actions will suffice to make those changes.

And if you really can't make them, than stop torturing yourself about them. Learn to love life as it is. Think of all those things that are good in your life.

I don't want you to be another discontent. We're not as broody and cool as we seem. We're just shadows. The dim reflections of what we used to be.

Changes?

They're already happening really.

School's slipping by, friends are growing closer or more distant, you have a boyfriend, and time is charging on regardless.

The changes are happening, just slowly. Would you really have it all different in the blink of an eye?

I wished that once.

Stupidest thing I ever wanted. Because I got it.

I moved here. A lot of things changed. Including me.

And then all I could wish for was trying to change it all back.

Changes will happen, but you have to have patience.

In the meanwhile, you'll have good company.

Me, for instance, if I haven't totally pissed you off or bored you to death with my uber long comment of d00m.



But yeah.

Anyway.

To sum it up:

Have a party, I command it.

Oh yeah, and Look Around.

Be content, Julie Dean.

<3

-Kara

(Reply to this)

Chin up
[info]misa_sue
2006-02-06 01:26 am UTC (link)
Hey Green bean,

Sorry I missed Friday. You need to relax hun, if planning parties helps then plan them, lol. Heck I'll buy decoration, we'll have a party of our own if need be! Point is things will come and things will go, sometimes you'll want it sometimes you wont. It sucks...but I guess we're doomed to it. Smile because there are going to be days when you're standing on top of the world, don't worry about the down time it'll pass, you know it.

I can relate to the student thing though...seriously...something about this year has developed this "I don't care bubble" It's like I KNOW I SHOULD be doing my homework...but I don't, I want it done...but I don't. I dunno, it's weird, but just keep trying I'm sure it'll pass for us both.

As far as Alec goes, no worries. I don't feel abandoned and I'm sure your other friends don't either. He's your bf have some fun, it's not like you avoid us, lol.

It's just gonna be ok, no worries alright? Just keep telling yourself that, I know it sounds stupid...but worry will drive you insane and man have i been down THAT road too many times, haha...

I hope you get to go to COR it'll help oodles.

As you know, I'm the other half of your brain, and thus here for you always. Love ya in my own little christian way. =P

Misa

(Reply to this)

(2 comments) - (Post a new comment)

Create an Account
Forgot your login or password?
Log in with OpenID
English • Español • Deutsch • Русский…